Centerfold
by PinkLemonade
Summary: Oh, the powers of a porn magazine! Zim finds one himself, and uses the knowledge he has gained to try and finally destroy Dib. Futurefic. MINOR slash. Mature. PG13


Done after watching an hour and a half of _Zim_. XD Forgive me.

**CENTERFOLD**

_By PinkLemonade_

_IZ (c) Jhonen Vasquez and other dudes, etc._

_WARNING: minor slash. And b00bs._

* * *

"Hey, Zim!"

Zim, having not grown a single inch since his arrival to Earth in Tallest-knows-how-many-years, turned from his locker to face a group of boys he knew in El Em Entry Skool. Of course, being humans, they sprouted like bean stocks, their facial features and structures had changed, but nonetheless, they were still as "stoopid" as the day Zim first met them.

"What? Zim croaked. He was just about to open his locker, get the necessary books for his Hi Skool classes. Now he had to be bothered by these geeks. I mean, why were they talking to him? They were ruining his wonderfully sordid reputation.

One of the boys snickered into his hand. "We found something under the bleachers. You gotta see it!"

"Not interested--besides, I all ready picked at it and it didn't show any sign of life, so I let it be," Zim replied, sighing. Why weren't these zapzoid meat bags gone all ready? Couldn't they see he had a lot of being ignored to do?

The three boys exchanged curious looks, never blinking two eyelids at once. "Um... Well, we don't know what you're talking about, but--this is too cool! You're missing out if you don't come look at it!" the second boy covered with boils the size of quarters snorted excitedly.

Zim shook a three fingered, gloved hand at them. "No thanks, boys," he said with a proud little inhale. He started spinning the combination on his lock. "Today Suzy Sue actually looked in my general direction. I think I'm making progress, so I'm going to try to stand at least within a foot of her eye sight when she comes by."

"Aw, forget Suzy Sue! She's nothin' compared to what WE found!" the third boy exclaimed. He then began hacking, before sucking down on his inhaler.

"LISTEN AND LISTEN WITH YOUR EARS," Zim growled, pointing. The boys blinked at him; of course, never did their eyelids blink at the same time. "I am THIS--THIS CLOSE--LOOK HOW CLOSE THAT IS OH MY GODS THAT'S REALLY CLOSE"--he squinted two fingers half an inch apart--"from getting noticed by the popularest girl in this entire PIT OF HORMONES and thus learning what makes her so ALLURING to the male beasts of this PARADE OF CONFORMITY!"

The boys blinked again. The third boy sucked on his inhaler.

Zim grinned. Their silence said everything... only not. He turned to his locker, undid the lock and opened the door. Thousands of dirty, stinky jock straps courtesy of the stereotypical jocks of the football team AND chess team fell on him in a large, glorious pile of muck.

Everyone in the hall stopped, stared, then cackled at him.

"Maaan, even getting the panties of the chess' nerds on ya is pretty low," the first boy said. He looked over at the president of the chess club, who was pointing and laughing at Zim like a mule.

Zim just blinked into his empty locker. He slammed the door shut. "You now, on second thought, I am gonna go with you guys," he muttered, walking past the three and expecting them to follow.

* * *

The three nerds led Zim outside the main hall room, out to the football field and under the bleachers. They all looked over this aforementioned special object. The nerds looked mighty pleased with it, but Zim only blinked stupidly.

"Oh, man. That has GOT to belong to the P.E. teacher."

"No, I think it's Johnny John's!"

A long wheeze. "Whatever! Let's poke it!"

"What..." Zim cocked an invisible eyebrow. "... is it?"

The boys all blinked, again, one eyelid at a time, before cackling. The third boy laughed so hard he screamed, falling over from lack of air. "Zim, don't tell me you've never seen a porno magazine before!" the first snickered breathlessly.

Zim eyed the open porn magazine laying in the dirt. On the front was a picture of a pretty blonde woman, her breasts hidden behind the title of the magazine: Playboobies. On the back were some advertisements for botox treatment. Zim stroked his chin, titled his head, making a rusty noise.

"Never have I before seen such a strange object," he answered a moment later.

"All guys are age sees them!" the second boy stated.

"Touch it!"

"It might hurt me!" the third boy wheezed with fear. "I picked my dad's up once and it made me do strange... strange things! Things that involved goo and and and MY WRIST BROKE!"

"You're a dorkweed."

"Then you touch it!"

"No, it might have cooties on it!"

The three nerds exchanged glances before grinning back at Zim. "Zim, you pick it up! You have gloves on!" they suggested in unison.

"Why would I want to pick up that filth laying in that filth... laying in the filth?" Zim demanded.

"Because. You... want to?" the first boy muttered, scratching a snow storm of dandruff off his head.

Zim narrowed an eye at him. "Curses! You and your human logic!" he seethed. The boys all cheered, having won. Sighing, Zim made sure his glove was on tight with a snap. He noticed the boys were all really nervous, biting and eating their nails off. He snorted through no nose; ha, he'd show these humans. Why fear a stack of papers with a pretty glossy shine?

Zim picked the book up. The third boy screamed and dove into a grassy knoll. "It didn't... explode?" the second boy whispered.

"No," Zim snapped. He held it up above him, to eye it. That's when it unfolded, showing the centerfold of a beautiful brunette woman, completely naked and laying out on a pile of meat, holding a can of beer.

The nerds' and Zim's mouths dropped. "Wow... they sure know how to tempt a man," the third boy drooled.

"I'll say! Check out that t-bone! Oh, man, I wish I could eat meat without my diarrhea problems!" the second boy swooned.

"HOLY SCHNICKEY!" Zim cried a moment after shock. He pointed a shivering claw at the bare bosom of the pretty lady. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS BRAN CEREAL ARE THOSE LARGE, ROUND, POD-LIKE THINGS WITH ONLY ONE BUTTON PER ORB?"

The three boys cackled, before becoming silent. "We don't know..." they whispered.

"I do!" the first geek shouted, raising a hand. "They call them booooooooobs..."

The two other geeks echoed mindlessly: "Booooooooooooooooooooobs."

"Boooooooooooooooobs?" Zim repeated. His eyes were glued on those breasts. "What do the female species need with these... boooooooooooobs?"

The third nerd adjusted his glasses wrapped entirely up in ductape. "In biology, boobs provide milk for babies when they're born," he replied.

"Milk? Babies?"

"Yes. The juice in boobs is like... Dr. Pepper for babies," the first nerd stated.

"Dr. Pepper? I know not of this Doctor Herb you speak of," Zim grumbled lowly.

"Man, Zim, I swear it's like you're from another planet sometimes!" the first geek sighed.

"Yeah, as if Dib were actually right in thinking you were an alien!" the other two nerds chimed in.

Zim gaped at them. "I AM NOT AN ALIEN!" he protested. He whipped out a stick of gum, shoved it in his mouth and chewed on it. "HUMANS LOVE CHEWING GUM! WOULD AN ALIEN CHEW GUM? NO!"

The nerds all stared. They then laughed. "Man, you're right! An alien would never chew gum!" they all said in a little too practiced tone.

"Exactly!" Zim declared, proud. He looked back at the centerfold. "Tell me... do these... booooooooooobs only provide nectar for mini-meat stacks?" he inquired.

"I hear..." the third geek whispered lowly. "... that boobs are also like pleasure spots for women and if you play with them, you make them all horny and ooooo!"

"PLAY WITH WOMEN BOOBIES?" the first geek screamed. He slapped his friend upside the face. "HOW CAN YOU THINK OF SUCH A THING?"

"So... booooooobs are like erogenous zones, hmm?" Zim murmured.

"Yeah. They make girls weak and like, oooo, like I said."

Zim swallowed his gum, allowing it to seep out of his pores on his arm and fall to the ground. The nerds acted like it was normal. "They make women weak, hmm? Do men have these..." he paused to squeeze air in an empty hand and swoon, "booooooooooooooobs?"

The three humans laughed. "Yeah! Man boobies!" They then continued with their cackling.

"So... they do..." Zim whispered under his breath as the three laughed. Of course, this being Zim, he had no idea what was a joke and what was a fact when it came to humans.

If indeed these fleshy knobs make humans weak, then...

Zim grinned fangs, eyes squinting.

"Perfect."

The third boy stifled his laughter. "Yeah, that was a good one," he chuckled tiredly.

The second nerd slid a hand through his hair, a pile of dandruff landing on his friend's feet. "Nah. I give it an A minus," he sighed.

The third boy's jaw dropped. "AN A MINUS? ONLY AN A MINUS! YOU CRUEL SADISTIC BASTARD!"

"Do you boys mind if I borrow this for a while?" Zim asked, turning to the group and pointing to the centerfold. The three nodded mechanically.

* * *

The lunch bell had rang. Children in 4th hour Chemistry class dashed out the doors and out the windows to lunch. Dib, however, decided to stay after for a few more minutes. He was just about to test DNA he found on a park swing he supposed belong to a yeti with a chemical compound... to see if it would turn a pretty color.

"Red if it is truly yeti dung!" Dib cackled.

Dib was now 5'6", gangly, wearing the same outfit he wore as a young kid. His scythe-esque hair lock had grown and turned into something like a lightning bolt. He was protected from the chemicals with a lab coat, goggles, gloves... and a cup on his crotch. Never can be too safe when testing yeti dung.

Excitedly, he teased himself, slowly lowering the test tube of clear white liquid over the sample of "yeti dung" in another test tube. Before even a single drop could hit the supposed poo, a loud, ear shattering shout caused Dib to immediately stop:

"OHDEELAYHOO, DIB. OHDEELAYHO."

Dib growled, putting his tubes away. He whirled around, narrowing honey brown eyes beneath thick glasses at the short little Zim in the empty doorway. Zim was grinning all his yellow fangs at him, one hand on his hip, the other behind his back.

"What do you want, Zim?" Dib demanded. He yanked off his goggles in a manly sense, throwing them across the room. They flew through a hanging sheet of the periodical table, knocking it over on a desk, thus knocking the desk over. Dib looked at the mess he made in the corner of his eyes, watching a pile of multicolored chemicals oozing together in one puddle. He then glared back at Zim, pretending nothing happened.

"I'm here to seal your dooooom," Zim snickered lowly.

"You say that everyday! It's really getting annoying!" Dib snarled, raising his quivering, gloved hands. "Couldn't you at least say something like 'I'm going to bust an extraterrestrial slime bullet in your ass' or maybe 'I'm here to infect you with Q-fever'?"

Zim blinked at him. "Wow, you been sniffing those, haven't you?" he inquired.

"Shut up."

"HAHA NO!" Zim laughed in response. "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR... WELL YOU APPARENTLY GOT THE IDEA!" he shouted. He then dashed over at Dib, who gasped, as if he wasn't prepared for this. Zim was almost right in front of him, before stopping, squatting and jumping in the air.

"BAM!" he exclaimed. He lifted up the porn magazine, letting the centerfold fall open and reveal the sexy, naked brunette.

Dib's mouth dropped, drool dripping from the corners. "BOOOOOOOOOOBS," he groaned like a zombie.

"YOUR ULTIMATE BRINGER DOWNER!" Zim gibed loudly. He jumped at Dib's chest, knocking the boy over on the floor.

"What are you doing?" Dib demanded, lifting his head.

Zim yanked off his gloves, shredding the clothing over Dib's chest. Dib didn't have big lumps like females, but he still had those button thingies. Snickering, Zim dove his hands down, pinching Dib's nipples and massaging his breasts. Almost a bit too friendly-like.

Dib's eyes spun. "W--whoa, OKAY!" he coughed.

"Do you feel weaaaaak now?" Zim chuckled, looming his giant head over Dib's.

Dib's head dropped back down. "Aggoofofoofoooo," he drooled, smiling happily.

"Yesss, yesss... become weak. Let my intimate booooooooobs rub down make you vulnerable and helpless to my attacks" Zim purred, continuing to tease Dib's nipples and chest.

The goo on the floor that Dib knocked over began to form into a hard substance, transforming into something. It seemed to notice the open porn magazine, eyeing with no eyes, its beautiful centerfold.

"You have one person to thank for your demise," Zim whispered in Dib's ear. His sharp tongue tickled it, causing Dib to blush and make more obnoxious moans. Zim sat back, straddling Dib as he declared, "MISS AUGUST! MWAHAHAHA!"

"What in the name of 'The Wonder Years' Kevin's magically arching eyebrow are you two boys DOING?"

Zim stopped groping Dib, the two looking silently at the door. The chemistry teacher stared at them, the blood in his face totally drained.

"Um..." Zim muttered, looking down. He looked back up and grinned. "... playing a friendly game of kill your rival?"

"Mergh, Zim, f-foooocker--" Dib panted. He growled, shoving Zim off of him.

Zim grunted as he fell back and rolled across the floor, eventually crashing into something. He blinked, sat up and turned around.

Dib, Zim and the chemistry teacher stared with wide eyes and open mouths at what had become of the mixed chemicals.

Using Miss August as a base, the chemicals took the form of the naked lady, even smiling and posing like her, minus the beer and meat.

The three were silent, before one single, loud word echoed the entire skool campus.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!"

The End.

* * *

I miss writing IZ fanfiction. Think I should continue? XD 


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